My Life is a Bag Full of Zippers

[This story was first published on my Medium on 13th Sep 2023]

I got myself a sewing machine last year, and it honestly changed my life

I have always been a crafty kid. I grew up with a sewing machine at home, a family heirloom from my mother’s side — but I never properly learned how to use the machine. This old machine had its mystery in it, so I was leaning towards the manual sewing more. The machine didn’t even had electricity connection, and the idea of having to pedal the machine just to sew was just too exhausting for me. My childhood was filled with manually sewing small things with just threads and needles.

I remember when I was in the elementary school, I made a DIY bracelet made from the band of the the skirt I had when I was younger. My mother just taught me how to sew, so I attach various buttons on the bracelet — any kind of buttons I could find at home. That bracelet became my signature jewelry and I remember I had it until I was in middle school. I don’t quiet remember how I lost the bracelet, but somehow I didn’t have it when I moved to high school. That bracelet holds a special place in my memory though, that my childhood was filled with a lot of crafts and DIY things.

The crafty child grew into a not-so-crafty adult. I don’t know what switch I accidentally pushed back then, but my adolesence was filled with a repulsive feeling towards art. I remember in high school, we were tasked to create a calligraphy art with newspaper and mush and I recall the feeling of utter disgust when I looked at the piece that I made. I grew older then, and making something by my hands became an unavailable option in my life. There’s a thick thought at the back of my mind that everything I made is just a trash, and that I’m not an art student with artsy and eclectic style — so there’s no point of even trying to make something.

I moved to Yogyakarta for high school, finally having my alone moment from my family. One of the important things my mother always remind me is to always keep a sewing kit at home. As a rebel child, of course I dismissed everything she suggested, including that one harmless advice — until one day I lost one button on my shirt. It was my first year of school and I was living my big girl moment. I was getting ready for school and putting the white ordinary shirt for my uniform. I then realized that I lost the top button and I felt bummed. I could just go on with my day without the top button, but I was a shy girl back then and the idea of having a top button undone and exposing my bare chest was too much. I wished I had some thread and a needle to fix it up, but nope. I could almost hear my mother laughing and whispering “Told ya”.

I guess that was the turning point for me that made me realize that the simple presence of thread and needle could literally solve a lot of life problems. Lost a button? Just attach a new one from your sewing kit. Bought trousers that turns out to be too big for your waist? Just zip some of the waistline with a simple sewing line. And a lot of tiny everyday fashion problems that could be solved easily and quickly with the help of some threads and a single needle. After that, I always kept a sewing kit at my place. When I moved to Jakarta for work, my old sewing kit was one of the things I kept from my life in Yogyakarta. It’s a good reminder that my mother was sometimes right.

Living a busy life in Jakarta has been like juggling three bottles in your hands without knowing a single thing about juggling. I was consumed with the fast pace of life that everyone has here and I later became so busy with work and everything related to that. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t describe myself with anything other than my work — something that is utterly sad because I believe that we should be something more than just our work title.

When the pandemic hit us in the early 2020, I was somewhat grateful that there was finally something that moored me to the ground once more. My life became more than just commuting to the office, spending the next 8 hours there then commuting back home. Just like millions of people that found themselves again with the help of the dreadful pandemic, I found myself got busy with many things other than work. I scrub my bathroom more often, I clean my kitchen every night after cooking dinner, I change the placement of my furniture almost every week, and I push myself to try out more things I never tried before. The idea of sitting still and just being alone with my thoughts was just too terrifying, so I was always jumping from one hobby to another.

I bought myself many things to cope with the pandemic. My pandemic hobbies include rollerblading, learning to play piano, trying out so many new recipes in the kitchen, gardening, and many more. It was April 2022 that all of the sudden I put my thought into buying a sewing machine. As a pretty impulsive person, I spent no more than a few days to sat on the thought and eventually ordered the machine online. It’s not just a home sewing machine, but I bought a heavy duty one. Not so much thoughts into the purpose, I just thought the grey color looks better for my room rather than the usual white-colored sewing machine. I still keep the memento from the first lines I sewed with the machine and put it in my room as a reminder that there was always the first time for everything.

Honestly I was over-prepared after I bought the machine. I was drown in many kinds of supplies right after; a sewing table, another table to cut the fabric, all kinds of fabric cutter and scissors, many kinds of presser foot, various colors of threads, and all other small things to support my sewing activities. I watched hours of Youtube videos on how t use the machine, and countless hours of videos on how to sew my own clothes. I learned to make a pattern by copying my own clothes, and after about 2 weeks I finally made my own top by myself. I remember I was almost tearful after finishing that top, the streams of unfamiliar feelings were flooding my system. For the first time after so many years, I felt proud of myself.

I progressed pretty quick in learning how to sew. I also got myself a serger (overlock machine) a few months later, practically creating a proper fashion studio at my place. I would spend weekends mostly sewing stuffs; sleeveless tops (because I was still afraid of making sleeves), sleeveless dresses, skirts, skorts and even trousers. I also took pride in what I made. I posted many snapshots of the progress on my social media, and soon after that whenever I met some friends they would always ask whether the clothes I wore that day were made by me or not. It was a weird feeling to be known for something outside my work, and I remember giggling in the bathroom of a karaoke bar after a friend complimented the top I made myself. Some friends also commissioned me to make something for them — mostly a simple top though but I felt happy about it. The first time after so many years, I could identify myself more than as someone that work in this or that company.

After almost 1,5 years of getting myself a sewing machine, I’d like to share some of the life lessons that I got simply by learning to operate the machine:

I became less afraid of failure

“It’s okay, I can always undo the seams if it doesn’t work” — I remember thinking about that the first time after a few days of getting the machine. It was such a weird concept for me to not excel at everything on the first try. The first daughter blood in me has always planted this idea in my head that everything needs to be perfect to be good. With sewing, there’s no way that you would be able to do it right on the first place — especially when all I learn from is Youtube and Tiktok videos. For the past 1,5 years, I noticed that I have more courage in trying out new things in sewing because I know for sure that I can just undo it if it turns out to be a mistake. It’s such a liberating feeling because it gives me confidence and trust in my own self.

I became less frustrated with sudden changes

Small changes used to terrify me a lot. As a person with BPD, dealing with changes requires all of me because the idea of changing plans sounds very painful to me. I knew that sewing requires a lot of preparation and calculation, but what I didn’t anticipate is how it also requires you to just be relax. There were times when I already followed all of the steps from the Youtube videos but ended up somewhere far away from the result; I sew the incorrect sides of the fabrics together, I sew something that I didn’t supposed to, I missed the sizing by a few centimeters, I forgot to add the seam allowance — and many more mistakes I made along the way. All these small mistakes humbled me a lot as a person and pushed me to improvise along the way. Small and sudden changes no longer terrorize me. Instead, I could finally embrace them as part of the process.

I became more patient in general

Patience was nowhere on my dictionary before. I got frustrated easily and I got angry upon the smallest things in life. Little did I know that this machine also teach me how to be more patient with life. A sewing machine is a powerful machine that could startle you when you first operate it. It took me a few weeks of trying to understand the pace of the machine to be confidently use the machine. Even until now, sometimes I would be so not in sync with the machine that results in slanted sewing lines that I need to redo later. The process of undoing the seams one by one, then redo the lines — are not for the faint of heart. It’s a process that requires a lot of patience that I didn’t think I had at the first place. It’s amazing how learning how to sew really grew my patience and tolerance level.

All in all, sewing has been a fascinating journey that helped a lot with my self discovery. The feeling of making something with your own hands left a big mark on me; something I will forever crave along the way. The flexibility it gives me with my fashion choices is also very emancipating for me — should there be minor problems with my wardrobe, I can always fix it with my sewing machine. Even when I bought the piece from someone else, I can always make it my own by making small alterations that suits my size and body type.

For the past 2 months, I have been learning how to construct bags as well. I’ve been making pouches from leftover fabrics, but I only made my first tote bag 2 months ago. I’ve used the bags everywhere and received many compliments. After that, the idea of carrying goods intrigued me. A friend even commissioned me to craft a sling bag for her. This was the first time in my life I worked with a bag zipper (a thicker one compared to a fashion zipper) and other bag gadgets like a loop and length adjuster. I even got a customized label for everything I’ll make moving forward. I am so amazed by my capability to learn new things at 30 years old — the age where I thought my brain wouldn’t be able to do it. So, let’s see where this leads. I guess I’m like a bag full of surprises, or should I say a bag full of zippers?